“We Were on a Break!” 8 Rules for a Fair and Healthy Relationship Break

I was recently away for a few days with my daughter in Florida touring colleges and getting some sun. One night in the hotel, we stayed up late binge-watching a few of the early episodes of Friends. We laughed a lot and both commented on how timeless and genius that show is.

It got me thinking of the famous “We were on a break!” line where Ross uses this to justify his actions after he and Rachel briefly paused their romantic relationship. This line became a recurring joke and a significant theme throughout the series.

It also reminded me of the “fair fighting rules” I often suggest when working with couples (no name-calling, no blaming, no shaming, no bringing up the past, no staying up all night to make your point, etc) and it made me think that we need a “taking a break fair rules” list too.  

The concept of taking a break in a romantic relationship can vary widely among individuals and relationships. Approaching a break with clear communication helps to establish mutual respect and understanding between partners. Being upfront can clarify boundaries and expectations ahead of time. Here are some rules to help make taking a romantic break a fair and respectful experience:

1. Define the Purpose: Clearly understand and agree on why you’re taking a break. Is it to cool down after an argument, focus on personal growth, or reassess your compatibility?
2. Set Clear Boundaries: Discuss and agree on acceptable behavior during the break. Are you allowed to date other people? Are there any specific behaviors (reaching out to an ex, sexual activity, substance use, internet surfing, gambling, excessive spending) that are off limits or will harm your chances of getting back together?
3. Establish a Time Frame: Agree on how long the break will last. This prevents uncertainty and can help each partner manage their anxieties around the break, especially if there is an agreed-upon check-in date.
4. Decide ahead of time your contact level: If you agree with no contact, discuss if this includes changing your social media settings and locations. Also if you go no contact, consider having an agreed-upon check-in date. This ensures there will be a chance to share how it’s going and make changes to your contact rule if necessary.
5. Reflect Honestly: Use the time to reflect on the relationship, your needs, and your partner’s needs. If you agree to stay in touch during the break; decide on when, how much, and the type of contact. If you still see each other at work or school, avoid excessive contact as that might blur the boundaries.
6. Respect Each Other’s Space: Use the break to genuinely take time apart and focus on personal issues or growth without constantly checking in on the other person.
7. Seek Support: Talk to friends, family, or a counselor for support and perspective during the break.
8. Be Honest and Clear Upon Reconnecting: When the break ends, have an honest conversation about what you both learned and decide on the future of the relationship together.

Following these rules can help ensure that a romantic break is a constructive period to see whether the relationship is fulfilling or if any changes are necessary. This can ultimately benefit both individuals and the wellness of the relationship.